Sorry its been so long since our last post, but we regret to inform those three people who still check the site that writing for ABO has been suspended for the time being.

We’re not saying we’ll never be back, but it ain’t happenin’ any time soon. Rooster has flown the coop (as seen by his unjoining of the ABO Facebook group) and Chubb is too busy with other things.

Shoeless Joe does, however, have another website for everyone to check out: http://www.peopleknowme.com

Its sports, life, entertainment, and everything else all rolled into one. Whatever I wanna write about, I will.

And who knows? ABO may be back sometime. We did just renew the address for another year, so you never really can tell…

Until then,

Shoeless Joe

October 13, 3:43 EST- Athens, GA

<name redacted> Former roommate at UGA:  Man, we just needed a last second drive to beat Vandy.  I dont see 2 more games out there to get us bowl eligible the way we are playing. 

Chubb’s Wooden Hand: Dude, we are starting THREE 18 year old TRUE FRESHMEN on the offensive line.  Chill.  We’ll be ok. 

December 2, 8:34 EST- Athens, GA (and Fantasyland, USA)

<name redacted> Former roommate at UGA: Man, fuck the BCS… we got so screwed, we should be playing for the national title! 

Chubb’s Wooden Hand: Dude, we just made it to the Sugar Bowl starting THREE 18 year old TRUE FRESHMEN on the offensive line.  Chill.  We’ll be ok. 

This is but a small example of several conversations I have had over the past few hours.  So after seeing the Bama-esque outcry from many of my friends, former college buddies, and family in the wake of the recent BCS announcements, I felt the need to clarify a few things.  So pay attention, all you readers in the Bulldog Nation and beyond. 

 The University of Georgia does not “deserve” to be in the national title game.

But its not for the reasons you might think.  If I hear “you didnt win your own division, how can you play for the national title” one more time from the Pat Fordes and Lou Holtzs of the world, I am going to castrate them with a rusty cheese grater.  If you think that line of logic is applicable to the current debate of who should have wound up in the BCS title game this year, here is my suggestion to you.  Go outside and find a stick.  Then sharpen that stick…. and shove it in your eye.  Because you would be more rational with a chunk of wood protruding from your ocular cavity than you would be making that argument. 

 Three times since 2001, the NCAA/Bowl Coalition Committee has had one (of many) votes on their docket during their February winter meetings.  “Should the Bowl Coalition adopt a rule that would prevent a nonconference champion from playing in the BCS National Championship game?”  And three times, that vote has been a resounding “no.”  So SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT.  If I were Mike Slive, I would 100% unequivocally vote for such a rule.  I think its ludicrous that a team could not win its division and play for the national title (see, e.g., Nebraska 2001; see also Oklahoma 2004).  But guess what?  There is no such rule.  So Mark May, get that stick ready- and I hope you look good in that jaunty new eye patch.  Moving on….

This is not 200Richt any more than its 200Saban.  In any year with an iota of salient college football play, a team with one loss forfeits its right to complain about being left out of the game for the whole ball of wax.  If you lose, fuck you.  Your destiny is out of your hands.  If you lose twice???  Here is a double scoop of FUCK YOU.  So this logic also applies to the Oklahomas, USCs, and Virginia Techs of the world.  Would you like sprinkles on that? 

Georgia was a young team in a rebuilding year and, as Rooster properly pointed out, was probably slightly overrated starting out the season.  They took their lumps losing to a hot South Carolina team and getting their doors blown off by a white-hot Tennessee team that played the best half of football I have seen ANY team play this season outside of LSU’s first half annhialation of Virginia Tech.  Then the freshmen grew up and the Bulldogs found an identity in excorsising 15 years worth of demons against Florida, then utterly obliterating an Auburn team that came in giving up just 16 points per game. 

That said, UGA did not get screwed, hosed, fucked, or, my personal favorite from one of my friends back in Athens… “jobbed.”  This is not 1995.  UGA is not Arn Anderson and LSU is not “The Natureboy” Ric Flair.  You are not in middle school anymore dude.  No one got jobbed.  10-2 and a Sugar Bowl berth is fine by me in ANY year.  Especially one dubbed by many of the talking heads as a “rebuilding” one. 

So what is the the lesson to be learned in all of this? The rest of the SEC stares in utter contempt at Alabama and that haughty sense of entitlement they seem to swagger around with.  Why?  Because somewhere, many years ago in a galaxy far far away, a young coach named Paul Bryant began prowling the sidelines and started winning SEC championships.  And believe it or not, the Alabama nation was humble.  Then they were ”screwed” out of an undisputed national title and had to settle with an SEC and Sugar Bowl Championship.  And then a new chapter was added to Genesis: On the 8th day, the Bear created Alabama football.  And He saw what He created and it was good.  And the fans rejoiced and demanded a top 5 preseason AP ranking every year. 

 Bulldog Nation… we are not the chosen people and Mark Richt is not Moses coming down from the mount.   So lets not trod that same path toward the land of grandeur that starts in our delusions and ends in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.        

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Bill Simmons sucks.

I’ll even bold it.

Bill Simmons SUCKS. 

I’ll continue saying it until he stops posting diarrhea on ESPN.com and calling it a “story”. Did you see his latest writing? Don’t bother. He masturbated all over the Red Sox. Predictable, but disgusting. Just disgusting. I can’t imagine anyone who hasn’t been a Red Sox fan since childhood even being able to get through his 1000 words. It was just unbearable.

Did I imagine it, or did he promise not to write about the Sox ever again if they won in 2004? And did they win in 2004? What happened to the sweet relief that was promised us? Lies, all lies.

I already hate ESPN. Aside from showing a few decent college football games a year (and only a few… what was horseracing doing on ESPN at 1:00 on Saturday in October?), ESPN is worthless. Thanks for giving me second helpings of World Championship Poker and Arena League Football. I like watching shit nobody cares about!

But ESPN has topped itself by allowing Bill Simmons to remain one of its most recognized writers. They ALWAYS publish his stories on the front page. He is treated like a legitimate journalist, when he is, in fact, nothing more than a loudmouth Masshole. A 14 year old Sox/Pats/Celtics fan could do his job. I’m convinced he doesn’t even know other teams exist.

Is anything he does worth a shit? His podcast is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever put in my ears since the last time I shoved feces into my ears. His columns haven’t been funny since before he was on the payroll at ESPN. And don’t give me that “ESPN killed his funny” shit. If I remember correctly, Simmons stopped writing to work for Jimmy Kimmel in LA for his night-time talk show. Has that show EVER been funny? Even for a second? Conclusion: nothing Bill Simmons does is funny and, when employed as a comedic entertainer, that makes Bill Simmons worthless.

Were ESPN to treat all MLB teams like the Red Sox, there would be a dedicated journalist for each team, each responsible for covering the minutiae of the club to a degree that nobody outside of the marketing area can stand. But they don’t do that. Why? Because its FUCKING BORING. And that’s all Billy-Boy is good for.Yes, its true, Bill Simmons.

YOU ARE FUCKING BORING. 

Per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

The Georgia Supreme Court on Friday ordered the release of Genarlow Wilson, the Douglas County teenager who has been serving a controversial 10-year sentence for consensual oral sex.

The court’s 4-3 decision upholds a Monroe County judge’s ruling that the sentence constituted cruel and unusual punishment under both the Georgia and U.S. constitutions.

The article goes on to say that the punishment issued was “grossly disproportionate” to the crime. To refresh your memory:

- 17-year-old Wilson went to a party also attended by five other male youths
- He had sex (in some form) with a 15-year-old girl
- He was charged and convicted of aggravated child molestation, a felony
- He was given the mandatory 10-year term
- Months after sentencing, GA Gov. Sonny Perdue signed legislation making consensual sex between a 17 and a 15-year-old a misdemeanor

The only connection between this story and sports is that Wilson was a highly-touted football recruit in high school. Still, its an important story, so we’re including it. Fuck off, haters.

See the Court’s opinion here.

Good to see justice finally prevail.

Sage Rosenfels overcame 6 turnovers and scored 29 points in the 4th quarter off the bench for the Texans, and they STILL lost to the Titans. They lost because Rob Bironas kicked 8 fucking field goals.

With a performance like that, Sage could punch my mother in the face and Rob could impregnate my sister with no intentions of providing for it and I’ll still invite both of them to Thanksgiving dinner.

Unbelievable.

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Impressions

THE Ohio State University: down year for the Big 10. Deserve it? Only because LSU lost. Someone has to be number 1, and it might as well be Ohio State. Can anyone even name any players on tOSU’s team this year? I’d be shocked if they stayed undefeated.

South Florida: OOH, YAAAY, a sentimental favorite!! College football never has one of these! I’m pretty sure perennial underdogs hitting it big jumped the shark last year with Rutgers, Wake Forest, Louisville, Hawaii(?). I’m kinda tired of it, honestly. I’m a Deacons fan, and I’d never claim that Wake can stand up next to LSU or USC ever. Even with our best team ever, its a beat-down. Same with USF. They might have the numbers for the BCS (a system that makes perfect sense), but could they stand up to LSU in a national title game? Doubtful. I do think they could beat every other team in the top 5, though. So if the BCS holds up this way, USF might be our national champion. And I will blow my brains out.

Boston College: Fuck BC. Just fuck them, and fuck Matt Ryan, that douche. Unless he gets drafted by the Panthers. Then he’s awesome. I’m waiting for the VT game to see if BC is the real deal or not.

LSU: Suck that they lost, but I still think they’re the best team in football. I dont think there is a team that could go into Baton Rouge and come out with a win. Maybe a team of machines quarterbacked by Chuck Norris with Jack Bauer in the backfield, but otherwise, no.

Oklahoma: Best team left on the schedule? Texas Tech. Yep. Shouldn’t lose another game. I expect them to be in the top 3 by the end of the year. I will be wrong, I guarantee it. Never seen them play, don’t plan on it.

 Thank you, Steven Jackson, for fucking me big time. I had never really imagined what it would feel like to hit my penis with a hammer, but your performance this year is making me think that might feel like sweet relief. I’m really glad I spent my #2 overall draft pick in fantasy football on you this year. I really like losing by 40 points every single week because my primary running back is Edgerrin Fucking James. He runs like my grandmother on muscle relaxers. In a wheelchair. With square tires. Its fucking awesome. You sucked ass the first 3 weeks, and then you were out this week. Didn’t even play. And it was your second best performance of the year! AMAZING! I hate you and your suck face.

What the mother fuck?! ESPN just said WHAT? You’re out again this week? That better be a goddamn joke. I swear to Christ, Steven Jackson, I will come to St. Louis and hunt your ass down. I will make the ‘hood of The Lou look like the whitest suburb you can possibly imagine. I will rain hatred, Steevo. You better believe that there is no vengeance more intense than the anger faced from a ghostface scorned in fantasy football. I’m putting on my Vineyard Vines pullover and coming to put my boatshoe ridiculously far up your ass. I’m coming for you, you motherfucker.

On Sunday, the New York Mets completed the biggest choke in recent memory by losing the NL East. Sure, the Mets have lost the NL East before. But this time, they dropped a 7-game lead with 17 games to go. How is it possible to blow that lead? By losing 6 of the last 7 games. That’s how.

The Phillies are the lucky recipients of the Mets’ gift to the baseball world. And God knows the Phillies didn’t expect this. The Phillies are the German porn of the MLB: everyone gets a turn shitting on their faces. They even got their 10,000th loss as a team this year. But the Division got dropped in their laps. Good for them, since the Eagles might not win 3 games this year.

But is this a bigger choke than the Mets slightly richer, more ‘roided neighbors in the Bronx in 2004? Let’s compare:

– 2004: Yankees blow a 3-0 game lead in the ALCS to their rival Red Sox, something that had never been done. Red Sox go on to win World Series, giving Boston fans a reason to live and Bill Simmons a cart blanche to annoy the fuck out of me for the rest of his life.
– 2006: Mets blow 7 game lead to end the season, dropping both the Division and Wild Card. Phillies go on to lose first round to whoever (because they are the Phillies. Duh).

Yep, Yankees choke-job (and hat size) still bigger than the Mets. At this point, Webster’s should just change the definition of “New York” in the dictionary to:

New York (n.) (1) a state in the Northeast of the United States; (2) nickname of a whorish fame-grubber portrayed on TV’s miraculous “Flavor of Love” and later tragically granted her own show; (3) Latin for “fucking choke artists”

The Red River Shootout, #2 against #3 in Death Valley, a top 15 battle of the top two ACC programs in Clemson and Virginia Tech… next week was supposed to be THE WEEK for college football afficionados.  Instead, we were all treated to an early Christmas present… if your idea of Christmas entails getting something akin to those beaver pics of Brittney Spears…. you know the ones I’m talking about… the ones with the c-section scar.  Sooooo sexy!   

On Sept 28th, the consensus (and certainly my feeling) was that there were four really, really good teams- USC, LSU, Florida, and Oklahoma.  After Sept 29th, only one thing is certain… parity reigns supreme.  

 And absolutely no conference was immune.  The Pac 10 didnt accord itself well as USC struggled early and often in Seattle.  The Big XII’s superpowers Texas and Oklahoma both fell with resounding thuds to K State and Colorado, respectively.  The ACC scored a big intraregional win as Florida St won a slugfest and further slowed Sabanation from ascending to power.  But their #1, Va Tech, struggled mightily on homecoming playing a vastly inferior UNC team and their #2 in Clemson barely managed to put up 200 yards of offense in a thud against Ga Tech.  The SEC was certainly not immune as their #1 struggled for 2 quarters against Tulane. 

And of course, the upset of the day came late in Gainesville.  Florida, with a much ballyhooed matchup with LSU next week, had an opportunity to ramp up their momentum to unbelievable proportions with a rocking Swamp, a primetime national TV matchup, and a revenge-laden tilt with the only team to beat them on their way to the National Chamionship last year.  So Gator Nation collectively braided their mullets, donned their jean shorts, raised their guns and got the Tigers in their sights…. then turned the barrel around and shot themselves in the face. 

 So what’s the ultimate takeaway from Black Saturday?  In a word, the likes of Kentucky and South Florida are going to find themselves in the top 10.  Sunday morning for a lot of coaches and AP voters is going to be more confusing than Lindsey Lohan in a methodone clinic.   

After last week’s embarrassing loss to Miami and now the uncovering of coach Fran’s secret emails to boosters (aka “Operation One More Reason to Fire Me”), some of the Aggie faithful have been demanding answers. Luckily, JABO’s own Rooster sat down with Fran and got the full story.

(Fran walks into Rooster’s office)

Rooster: Fran, have a seat.

Fran: (weird mexican accent) Who is dees “Fran”?

R: You’re Fran. You can take the disguise glasses and sombrero off and drop the accent. I know it’s you.

F: Pinche gringo…

R: I’d like to start with that debacle of a game on national television at Miami last week. What happened?

F: Well, we put together a good game plan. We knew they would be keying on the J-Train, so we kept him on the sideline and hoped all of their attention would be directed his way and we could run our offense at will. It turns out their defense was faster than I am smart.

R: Uh-huh. As for your defensive game plan, I heard you got that at a garage sale. Is that true?

F: No.

R: Right. Let’s move on to your policy regarding injuries. You don’t disclose injuries unless they are season-ending, is that correct?

F: Yes, that’s correct.

R: But last year after back to back losses at home to Nebraska and Oklahoma you said that QB Stephen McGee had suffered a concussion or two and was trying to play through that. Why the change in policy? Was that to cover your ass?

F: Maybe.

R: How relieved were you when y’all beat Texas last year, effectively saving your job? Did your nuts finally come back out after that win?

F: Nuts?

R: Your balls? Testicles?

F: Oh, yes, they did.

R: I thought they might. Now what’s this I hear about you divulging secret information about injuries, which you don’t discuss, and player evaluations to high rolling boosters willing to pay $1,200 a year?

F: That? Well I figured if I gave them some inside info and got in their good graces, they might pay my ridiculous, undeserved salary for a couple more years.

R: You know what else would have saved your job? Winning a game or two.

F: … Si.

R: Stop it.

F: May I be excused? I have to go work on the post game excuses game plan for Baylor.

R: Look at me. You disgust me. Get the hell out of here.

(Fran walks out hanging his head, looks back)

R: I said get the fuck out.

Editor’s Note: Rooster is the attractive brunette in the above picture.